Sudden Death by Rabbi Stephen Karol

No matter how old we are, no matter how much experience we have had with death, it is sudden death that some people feel hits us the hardest.  During my 43 years in the rabbinate, I have sat with too many families who had to deal with the sudden death of a spouse or child, a friend or acquaintance.  The initial response is usually that it defies belief—“that can’t be true!”  A secondary response that is common is regret—“I didn’t get to say ‘goodbye.’”  A further response can be anger—“Why did this have to happen?”  Another can be philosophical:  “Why did someone so young/so loved/so talented/so special have to die?”.  And then, after the reality sinks in, the response hopefully should be:  “Condolences to the family,” “What can we do for the family?,” “What will I remember about the person who died?” “What can I learn from this tragedy?”

Throughout my career, I would sometimes draw parallels between Judaism and sports.  After all, it was possible to be a lover of Judaism and a sports fan simultaneously.  Not everyone agreed with me all of the time, but I still see the parallels.  You don’t have to be a sports fan to understand the impact a sudden death can have on you or other people, whether the person who died was “great” or not. Basketball great Kobe Bryant has died in a tragic helicopter accident along with his daughter and friends.  I have pulled together the reactions of some of his friends and colleagues and sportswriters who covered him, and I find in their words many of the same words that I have heard as a rabbi trying to help mourners.  There are lessons we as Jews can learn and appreciate—no matter what our age is or our beliefs are or our experiences may be.  They fall into three categories:  “No, this can’t be true!,” “He left a legacy,”  and “How we should live our lives.”  And, with each category, I have provided a quotation from a Jewish source that I feel is appropriate.

“No, this can’t be true!”

“Repent one day before your death.” (Rabbi Eliezer, Pirkei Avot)

“There are days when the sports world just stops, when scores and statistics feel meaningless and feuds and rivalries pointless, when your heart aches and your eyes well because well, there is no longer a game to be played but a death to be mourned. . . .A day to stop us in our tracks? We can barely breathe.”  (Tara Sullivan, Boston Globe columnist)

“This is not real now.”  (Former Boston Celtics player and current ESPN analyst Paul Pierce)

“Nooooooo cmon someone say it ain’t true… I’m sick to my stomach right now.” (Boston Celtics player Jayson Tatum)

“No No No No No Please God No” (New York Mets player Noah Syndergaard)

“My heart hurts for Kobe and his family. Life ain’t fair man. This can’t be.”  (Philadelphia Phillies player Andrew McCutchen)

“15 hours ago man… I actually cannot believe this. Praying for his family and close friends. Hoping it’s not true.”  (Los Angeles Dodgers player Cody Bellinger)

“He left a legacy.” 

“It is not up to you to finish the work, but you are not free to desist from it.” (Rabbi Tarfon, Pirkei Avot)

“He gave his knowledge, time, and talent to tutor so many at the youth level, collegiate level, & NBA & WNBA players. Words can’t express the impact that he had on the game of basketball. I know basketball fans all over the world will miss him, especially the City of Los Angeles. . . . Laker Nation, the game of basketball & our city, will never be the same without Kobe. Cookie & I are praying for Vanessa, his beautiful daughters Natalia, Bianka & Capri, as well as his parents Joe & Pam & his sisters. We will always be here for the Bryant family.”  (Earvin “Magic” Johnson, former Los Angeles Laker player and president of basketball operations)

“It’s OK to mourn. It’s OK to cry and ask why. Those are natural reactions. It’s a terribly sad day. The past few years, we saw Kobe transform into an amazing father, a caring soul, and a savant. He had given his all to the game, squeezed every last drop of his talent and desire on the floor before walking away.”  (Gary Washburn, Boston Globe columnist)

“He will be remembered most for inspiring people around the world to pick up a basketball and compete to the very best of their ability.”  (Adam Silver, NBA Commissioner)

“Speechless, angry, sad, confused..@kobebryant was my idol growing up in LA. What he was beginning to accomplish outside of sports was something I was hoping to get the chance to meet and talk to him about one day..can’t believe my idol is gone! Named my daughter after you!”  (Kevin Pillar, San Francisco Giants player)

“I don’t think I have the words in my vocabulary to properly articulate the way that I feel. It’s devastating. He was such an incredible basketball player and had such an impact on people’s lives off the court. He had so much left to give. It’s heartbreaking.”  (Ryan Braun, Milwaukee Brewers player)

How we should live our lives: 

“Days are scrolls – write on them what you want to be remembered.”—(Bachya Ibn Pakuda, 11th century Rabbi.

“Enjoy every single day people, we are always too worried about things that are actually not that important. Life is precious and you never know when it’s gonna end.”  (Rudy Gobert, Utah Jazz player)

“It’s a constant reminder that you never know how much time you have left. Be present and tell the people you love that you love them.”  (Ryan Braun)

On the day before Bryant died, he coached his daughter’s team against a team on which the daughter of former New England Patriots player Lawyer Milloy was playing.  Here is what Milloy said on Instagram:  “I was gonna go say hi, but I was that upset parent that lost to him and his daughter’s team for the first time in three matches.  Figured I’d wait until today to say hi and congrats on the victory. . . . Sad I didn’t get the chance.”

I plan to write in the future for this website about my own experience with sudden death.  But, for now, it is important to remember that—no matter what the circumstances of any death—we need to be ready to help ourselves and others cope with the reality of death, appreciate the legacy left by the person who has died, and value the importance of each and every day.  These are lessons that I convey in my book FINDING HOPE AND FAITH IN THE FACE OF DEATH: INSIGHTS OF A RABBI AND MOURNER.  They are hard, but necessary, lessons.

Rabbi Stephen Karol
Rabbi Stephen Karol

Rabbi Stephen A. Karol is Rabbi Emeritus of Temple Isaiah in Stony Brook, New York. He was ordained at the Hebrew Union College-Jewish Institute of Religion (HUC-JIR) in Cincinnati in 1977, and has served at Temple Beth Zion in Buffalo, New York, Congregation Sha’aray Shalom in Hingham, Massachusetts, and Temple Isaiah. He teaches at Temple Isaiah and the Osher Lifelong Learning Institute (OLLI) at Stony Brook University, and is a frequent speaker at synagogues, churches, Jewish Community Centers, and various organizations on 15 different topics. Rabbi Karol lives in Port Jefferson Station, New York with his wife Donna.

[Ed. Note: This blog posting also appeared on Jewish Sacred Aging at https://jewishsacredaging.com/sudden-death/].

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About Expired and Inspired

Expired and Inspired is Kavod V’Nichum’s blog on all matters relating to life end, death, funerals, and comfort. 

The topic of death and dying has long been a taboo subject. Because death comes to all of us, and touches almost all of us in our life, we feel that it needs to be open for conversation and learning – not necessarily in a morbid fashion: there are aspects of this part of life that are beautiful and touching. Our view is that the death of a loved one is sad, but the sacred, holy work in which we engage in this arena can be spiritual, loving, transformative, and life-affirming. Talking about it should not be ‘taboo’ or avoided. There is even room, at times, for humor, as well as awe, love, and honor, as we explore this universal part of life.

Expired and Inspired is intended to educate, reveal, and share stories in an interesting and compelling way about the people involved, and the Jewish process, rituals, and activities that include Bikkur Cholim (comforting the ill and the dying) and the work of Caring Committees, and all aspects concerning the Jewish approach to the end of life, death & dying, the work of the Chevrah Kadisha (the Holy Society involved with preparation of the deceased for burial), care for the deceased, and comfort for mourners and those bereaved.

SUBJECTS WE WILL COVER

Our range of topics is very broad. As a part of what we include we consider Shmirah (watching or guarding) the body (and soul) of the deceased, burial preparations at ‘home’ or done ‘personally’ by family or community members vs. those provided by professionals, suitable locations for funerals and memorial services, the specifics of Jewish funerals and memorial services, all aspects of Jewish rituals, customs, and ceremonies, Jewish forms of mourning, comforting and supporting mourners, Jewish issues around cremation and other forms of non-burial, ‘difficult’ or complicated situations, ‘green’ funerals and cemeteries, concerns with care for and ownership/maintenance/regulation of cemeteries and Jewish burial locations, the fees and costs associated with funerals, and other related matters, with an emphasis on first person stories. Our goal is to draw attention, inform, raise interest, educate, and encourage others to learn more about the work that we do, to consider calling on the organizations that do this work in their community at their time of need, and perhaps to consider becoming involved in this work in their own community.

 

We are not limited other than by what our authors choose to cover.

KAVOD v’NICHUM

Kavod v’Nichum (Hebrew for “honor and comfort”) uses education and advocacy to empower Jews of all backgrounds to reclaim the mitzvot (“commandments” or “good deeds”) of honoring the dead. The organization ensures that local groups and congregations can support mourners through traditional Jewish activities and rituals in ways that are accessible and relevant to today’s Jewish community. Kavod v’Nichum helps the Jewish community engage with traditional practices while giving individuals the information they need to adapt those traditions in their own meaningful ways.

Kavod v’Nichum encourages and assists the organization of bereavement committees and Chevrah Kadisha groups in synagogues and communities so that they can perform Jewish funeral, burial, and mourning mitzvot; protect and shield bereaved families from exploitation; and provide information, education and technical assistance. Kavod v’Nichum is the premier North American organization providing assistance, training, and resources about Jewish dying, death, funeral, and bereavement practices for Chevrah Kadisha groups and bereavement committees in synagogues and communities throughout the U.S. and Canada. Kavod v’Nichum also works to expand and adapt its manuals and resources to serve the needs of a diverse Jewish community, taking into consideration emerging concerns such as interfaith, same-gender and other non-traditional families, transgender persons, and those interested in “green” burials.

Kavod v’Nichum was recognized and named as one of the 50 most innovative and cutting edge Jewish Organizations for 2013-2014 in the Slingshot guide (http://www.slingshotfund.org/overview/). Organizations included in the Guide are identified as driving the future of Jewish life and engagement by motivating new audiences to participate in their work and responding to the needs of individuals and communities – both within and beyond the Jewish community – as never before. The Slingshot Guide has become a go-to resource for volunteers, activists and donors looking for new opportunities and projects that, through their innovative nature, ensure that the Jewish community remains relevant and thriving. Organizations included in the Guide are evaluated on their innovative approach, the impact they have in their work, the leadership they have in their sector and their effectiveness at achieving results. “The groundbreaking organizations that we highlight in the Slingshot Guide are game-changers in the realms of community engagement, social justice impact, and religious and spiritual life. The Slingshot Guide is not just a book listing organizations doing interesting things; it’s a resource relied upon by doers and donors alike. It’s the framework for a community that through the collaboration that results from inclusion in the Guide, becomes something significantly more effective than what each of the individual organizations can achieve on their own” according to Will Schneider, Executive Director of Slingshot.

Kavod v’Nichum’s website (http://www.jewish-funerals.org/about-kavod-vnichum) offers the most comprehensive resource available for Jewish end-of-life matters. The organization provides technical assistance and educational materials, and organizes Chevrah Kadisha (“holy society”) groups at the local level to perform Jewish funerals and mourning activities. Kavod v’Nichum also hosts the North American Chevrah Kadisha and Jewish Cemetery Conference, the only annual gathering of its kind (http://jewish-funerals.org/north-american-chevra-kadisha-and-jewish-cemetery-conferences).

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The Gamliel Institute (http://jewish-funerals.org/gamliel-institute) is the foremost center for study, learning, advocacy, and leadership training concerning Jewish end of life practices. The Institute is a project of Kavod v’Nichum (Honor and Comfort). The Gamliel Institute offers distance learning classes using the latest and best technology for rabbis, cantors, medical and health professionals, lay leaders, and other interested persons from across North America. These courses prepare individuals to assist grieving families and to train volunteers within their communities to perform Jewish end-of-life rituals and support members of their community.

It is the only institution (of which we are aware) that offers rigorous instruction at a graduate level in courses on the topics of the History, Origins, and Evolution of the Chevrah Kadisha; Taharah & Shmirah; Education, Organizing & Training a Chevrah Kadisha; Nechama (Comforting); & Ritual Practice. The Covenant Foundation has recognized the value of the work that the Gamliel Institute does by awarding a multi-year grant to fund the development of the fifth (and final) course in the curriculum on the subject of Ritual Practice (to be taught starting in Spring 2015). The Gamliel Institute offers a variety of ‘Taste of Gamliel’ sessions, class sessions focusing on specific topics, such as Complicated Taharot, Infection Control, Non-Traditional Mourners, and Taharah Liturgy.

 

The Gamliel Institute was founded in 2010, and began offering courses to the first cohort of students in October of that year. There have now been multiple cohorts, and at this point there are six courses that comprise the instruction cycle of the Gamliel Institute.

  1. The History, Origins, and Evolution of the Chevrah Kadisha
  2. Taharah & Shmirah
  3. Education, Organizing, and Training
  4. Nechama
  5. Ritual Practice
  6. International Perspectives

Each course is twelve sessions (except the sixth, which is six sessions and a travel period of over 2.5 weeks), and requires extensive reading, preparation, chevrutah study, writing, and hands-on work. Several of the courses also require development of a project in an area selected by and of deep interest to the student, usually something that will actually be implemented and used in their community, and possibly replicated elsewhere.

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